My Day as a Product Tester.

"Welcome to Johnson's product testin'. My name is Eddy," said my new boss Eddy, in that over cheerful way that should be a reason to kill someone on the spot.
"You must be Chase ...Eggman...?"
"Fuckin idiot," I either mumbled or screamed. Probably mumbled because he at least acted like he didn't hear me.
"How are you Eddy, uh, Dick? Is it Dick?"
"Johnson," he corrected with an exasperated tone, like it wasn't the first time he had heard that joke.
"Do you know what you will be doin' here at Johnson."
"Well, goin by the company's name, I'll be testing stuff. Right?"
"You got it buddy boy." I almost strangled him right there for that.
"Let me show you to your place," he said after a tense silence brought on by my anger.
He walked me to a conveyor belt where a bunch of crazy doohikies were passing by. Every second or two, the conveyor would stop and the other people who worked there would grab the item, tested it, and put it on a different conveyor belt. Weird system I know.
"Well let's get started," He said with a big, gay, beaming smile.
A clear little device with a handle on top slid up.
"This is the automated tie folder," he said with misplaced pride.
"Do I fuck it?" I asked quickly.
"Lord why would you...nevermind. First you pick it up, turn the handle and if it works put it on the conveyor behind you."
"Do they fuck it down the line?"
"No!"
Next a small box with two colored buttons came up.
"What now?" he asked, like a dick.
"Fuck it?"
"Wrong again. Pick it up, press the buttons, and send it down the line."
"Okay, I get the process now."
A cone shaped device with a crank came up.
"And what do we do first?"
"Fu..."
"No! I gurantee you Mr. Eggman, you will not canoodle any device that comes down the line. Just get that thought out of your head"
"Okay." I said, not paying attention.
"You got it?"
"I got it."
"Good, I'll be in my office."
LATER THAT DAY
"Do you know why you're in here?"
"Maybe."
"What did you do to the Simpson Knife Sharpener?"
"Nothing."
"Chase. Did you fuck it?"
"I fucked it."
"Get out."