Since America once again won the Olympics, i decided it would b a good time to propose my idea for the new national anthem, sung by our national heroes, Alvin and the Chipmunks
Sunday, February 28
Results of Band Poll
We recently asked you sick mother fuckers what your favorite band with a dirty name is.
We have the twisted results
1. Steeley Dan-Our fans love them some dildo
2. Limp Biscuit-Why? People actually like them?
Tie 3. AC/DC and Pearl Jam. Overall, no one could decide between bisexual and sperm. Understandable.
When we have an idea for another poll we will put it up. Until then, uhh...bye.
We have the twisted results
1. Steeley Dan-Our fans love them some dildo
2. Limp Biscuit-Why? People actually like them?
Tie 3. AC/DC and Pearl Jam. Overall, no one could decide between bisexual and sperm. Understandable.
When we have an idea for another poll we will put it up. Until then, uhh...bye.
Friday, February 26
Thursday, February 25
You Shall Build a Turtle Fence
Now guys, lets get serious, enough with this battle between the Russian and 70's music videos. It's time to talk about something serious, something that no Russian.. or crazy 70's singer, can stand up to. 'MERICA! Let the beats bump and grind you into the world of 'Merica's fascinating politics.
Admin Massage Day
I pulled up to Stephan's house, ready to have a great day. Coming to a stop,
I layed on the horn like i was pressing witches do death. A few minutes
later he appeared at the door.
"What the fuck are you doing!"
"Admin message day!"
"It's one fucking thirty in the morning man!"
"Fuck Yeah! Let's Go!"
He finally got in the truck, and I turned up the heaviest song I know and
began to head bang.
"Am I more than you bargained for yet..."
"Wow,and I thought you were straight man."
"Of course I have money, jeez. You hungry?"
"Sure."
"Hang on." I stopped the truck in the middle of the road and run into the
woods. I come back dragging a full grown deer.
"What the fu..."
"Deer?" I asked, throwing a bloody hunk of something.
"Is this the utereus?"
"My mom had a utereus. I lived in it."
"How about McDonald's."
"How about shut the fuck up and eat your deer."
I started the truck and drove down the road, Stephan crying in the passenger
seat as he forced down bites of deer uterus.
"You ready for your massage, Mr. Man.?"
"Yeah, i guess. I'm kinda ready to be home."
"Oh yeah, here we go."
Ten minutes later i realized we weren't going anywhere. Stephan knew, but i
was ignoring him so he would it.
"Why didn't you tell me we weren't going anywhere?"
"I tried t..."
"Shutup! Do you know how mad i am? I'll tell you. You ever been so mad you
wanted to swing a cactus? That's how mad I am"
"What?"
"Admin Massage day! Let's go!"
We arrived at the spa at three in the morning. Unfortunatly the spa didnt
open until 8, so we sat out front. We passed the time by listening to Bad
Romance and dancing. At least I did. Stephan slept, like a bitch.
Finally they opened up and we ventured inside.
"Welcome to Jenny's Day Spa gentlemen. How may we be of service?"
"What's your policy on happy endings?" I asked up front.
"We don't do that sir."
"I gotcha," I said, winking really hard.
"Are you okay sir?"
I wasn't sir who she was talking to. Probably me because I was winking like
I was haveing a stroke. But we've all been there.
We followed the girl back to the message tables. We got the bare minimum
because, let's face it, the internet gig doesn't pay, well, at all really.
It's a point of pride that i got us kicked out in 2 minutes 34 seconds that
day. Its real simple. Wait for the girl to walk in, turn over and scream
"HAPPY ENDING NOW!"
Needless to say, I whacked off that day.
I layed on the horn like i was pressing witches do death. A few minutes
later he appeared at the door.
"What the fuck are you doing!"
"Admin message day!"
"It's one fucking thirty in the morning man!"
"Fuck Yeah! Let's Go!"
He finally got in the truck, and I turned up the heaviest song I know and
began to head bang.
"Am I more than you bargained for yet..."
"Wow,and I thought you were straight man."
"Of course I have money, jeez. You hungry?"
"Sure."
"Hang on." I stopped the truck in the middle of the road and run into the
woods. I come back dragging a full grown deer.
"What the fu..."
"Deer?" I asked, throwing a bloody hunk of something.
"Is this the utereus?"
"My mom had a utereus. I lived in it."
"How about McDonald's."
"How about shut the fuck up and eat your deer."
I started the truck and drove down the road, Stephan crying in the passenger
seat as he forced down bites of deer uterus.
"You ready for your massage, Mr. Man.?"
"Yeah, i guess. I'm kinda ready to be home."
"Oh yeah, here we go."
Ten minutes later i realized we weren't going anywhere. Stephan knew, but i
was ignoring him so he would it.
"Why didn't you tell me we weren't going anywhere?"
"I tried t..."
"Shutup! Do you know how mad i am? I'll tell you. You ever been so mad you
wanted to swing a cactus? That's how mad I am"
"What?"
"Admin Massage day! Let's go!"
We arrived at the spa at three in the morning. Unfortunatly the spa didnt
open until 8, so we sat out front. We passed the time by listening to Bad
Romance and dancing. At least I did. Stephan slept, like a bitch.
Finally they opened up and we ventured inside.
"Welcome to Jenny's Day Spa gentlemen. How may we be of service?"
"What's your policy on happy endings?" I asked up front.
"We don't do that sir."
"I gotcha," I said, winking really hard.
"Are you okay sir?"
I wasn't sir who she was talking to. Probably me because I was winking like
I was haveing a stroke. But we've all been there.
We followed the girl back to the message tables. We got the bare minimum
because, let's face it, the internet gig doesn't pay, well, at all really.
It's a point of pride that i got us kicked out in 2 minutes 34 seconds that
day. Its real simple. Wait for the girl to walk in, turn over and scream
"HAPPY ENDING NOW!"
Needless to say, I whacked off that day.
Wednesday, February 24
Коммунист прав! Американские собаки должны умереть!
Америка - лгун! Грязные Капиталистические свиньи! Мать Россия должна безраздельно властвовать еще раз!
Tuesday, February 23
(An Even Bigger) Battle Begins
WHO WILL WIN THE ULTIMATE CONFLICT?
Contender One: Ninja Hitler representing Nazism
VERSUS
Contender Two: Pirate Marx representing Communism
The Battle Begins
Today two videos were posted. One contained the music stylings of a drugged out early 70's progresive rock band. The other contained whacked out pro-communist disco.
blog isn't big enough for the two of them. A war has been started. In one week the Great War will end. Who will still be standing. Rufies vs. Ruskies. Bombies vs. Commies. Glads vs. Vlads.
IT'S ON MUTHA FUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blog isn't big enough for the two of them. A war has been started. In one week the Great War will end. Who will still be standing. Rufies vs. Ruskies. Bombies vs. Commies. Glads vs. Vlads.
IT'S ON MUTHA FUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hopping Aboard With Communism!
In light of the recent decision to add a tender slice of Communism to this blog, I bring to you...
Disco Commies! Welcome to 1979!
NOTE: That is, in fact, Murderface in the green.
Just Beacause in Band Form
Tonight I thought I would change styles a little. Instead of another story of me irritating the shit out of people, I decided to post a video that will make you rethink your life. Forever.
Shit just got real. Except for the singer. Nothing is real right now for the singer.
Shit just got real. Except for the singer. Nothing is real right now for the singer.
Monday, February 22
Wood Dysfunction
The average males day begins (at least 3 times a week) with a morning bone. Upon the "unexpected" surprise of the morning glory, he would then proceed to rush to the bathroom, collect his thoughts perhaps, and then maybe take a shower, depending on how massive the white rock of pleasure protrudes... Later on during the day, he (in this case, lets say "He" is a student attending high school between the ages of 15-18) enters his home room class, sits down, and waits for the morning announcements to sound. Once the voice overhead commands the student body to stand for the pledge, he snaps of a salute with his dome towards the American flag. Now, he has a variety of ways he can hide his beef stick.
1. Tuck his fuck rod in the top seam of his pants.
2. Cover it up with his hand (a fairly large jacket could hide it very well also.)
3. Simply stare at the fattest, most unattractive, boy-girl in the room. (sometimes its the teacher)
4. Start working out complex math equations.
5..... or... invest ahead of time in some illusion pants. (if you watch good movies, you will get it)
These steps could be provided for help in all sorts of other "sticky" situations as well. What if you're standing naked in the mens locker room showering with the other students and for some reason, your schlong cant resist the urge of all-day-limp? It starts slowly but surely perking up then looks at you with that disturbing grin for a hole. It then winks at you ensuring you are either going to get made fun of, or, maybe banned from the locker room because you cant handle your own damn girth........ After school, he returns home after his unpleasant day, then wacks the pain away. This cycle repeats itself until he gets laid... Then once hes finally used a rubber sock to smear his seed inside and some what insures his lady friend that she cant be pregnant as he is not fertile enough, a week goes by and he is not as horny as the week before. And after that one week of blissful solitude, he starts masturbating at least once a day.
Odin: New Kitty Post
My New Kitty
My Day as a Product Tester.
"Welcome to Johnson's product testin'. My name is Eddy," said my new boss Eddy, in that over cheerful way that should be a reason to kill someone on the spot.
"You must be Chase ...Eggman...?"
"Fuckin idiot," I either mumbled or screamed. Probably mumbled because he at least acted like he didn't hear me.
"How are you Eddy, uh, Dick? Is it Dick?"
"Johnson," he corrected with an exasperated tone, like it wasn't the first time he had heard that joke.
"Do you know what you will be doin' here at Johnson."
"Well, goin by the company's name, I'll be testing stuff. Right?"
"You got it buddy boy." I almost strangled him right there for that.
"Let me show you to your place," he said after a tense silence brought on by my anger.
He walked me to a conveyor belt where a bunch of crazy doohikies were passing by. Every second or two, the conveyor would stop and the other people who worked there would grab the item, tested it, and put it on a different conveyor belt. Weird system I know.
"Well let's get started," He said with a big, gay, beaming smile.
A clear little device with a handle on top slid up.
"This is the automated tie folder," he said with misplaced pride.
"Do I fuck it?" I asked quickly.
"Lord why would you...nevermind. First you pick it up, turn the handle and if it works put it on the conveyor behind you."
"Do they fuck it down the line?"
"No!"
Next a small box with two colored buttons came up.
"What now?" he asked, like a dick.
"Fuck it?"
"Wrong again. Pick it up, press the buttons, and send it down the line."
"Okay, I get the process now."
A cone shaped device with a crank came up.
"And what do we do first?"
"Fu..."
"No! I gurantee you Mr. Eggman, you will not canoodle any device that comes down the line. Just get that thought out of your head"
"Okay." I said, not paying attention.
"You got it?"
"I got it."
"Good, I'll be in my office."
LATER THAT DAY
"Do you know why you're in here?"
"Maybe."
"What did you do to the Simpson Knife Sharpener?"
"Nothing."
"Chase. Did you fuck it?"
"I fucked it."
"Get out."
"You must be Chase ...Eggman...?"
"Fuckin idiot," I either mumbled or screamed. Probably mumbled because he at least acted like he didn't hear me.
"How are you Eddy, uh, Dick? Is it Dick?"
"Johnson," he corrected with an exasperated tone, like it wasn't the first time he had heard that joke.
"Do you know what you will be doin' here at Johnson."
"Well, goin by the company's name, I'll be testing stuff. Right?"
"You got it buddy boy." I almost strangled him right there for that.
"Let me show you to your place," he said after a tense silence brought on by my anger.
He walked me to a conveyor belt where a bunch of crazy doohikies were passing by. Every second or two, the conveyor would stop and the other people who worked there would grab the item, tested it, and put it on a different conveyor belt. Weird system I know.
"Well let's get started," He said with a big, gay, beaming smile.
A clear little device with a handle on top slid up.
"This is the automated tie folder," he said with misplaced pride.
"Do I fuck it?" I asked quickly.
"Lord why would you...nevermind. First you pick it up, turn the handle and if it works put it on the conveyor behind you."
"Do they fuck it down the line?"
"No!"
Next a small box with two colored buttons came up.
"What now?" he asked, like a dick.
"Fuck it?"
"Wrong again. Pick it up, press the buttons, and send it down the line."
"Okay, I get the process now."
A cone shaped device with a crank came up.
"And what do we do first?"
"Fu..."
"No! I gurantee you Mr. Eggman, you will not canoodle any device that comes down the line. Just get that thought out of your head"
"Okay." I said, not paying attention.
"You got it?"
"I got it."
"Good, I'll be in my office."
LATER THAT DAY
"Do you know why you're in here?"
"Maybe."
"What did you do to the Simpson Knife Sharpener?"
"Nothing."
"Chase. Did you fuck it?"
"I fucked it."
"Get out."
Sunday, February 21
Those Douche-Bag bands (artists, groups, whatever...)
Among many bands there are the great bands that are always ever changing and developing new material without being in the least bit redundant, keeping their (some-what) underground members, buying their albums (or illegally downloading them) but exposing them none-the-less. They are bands that most likely dont have as much recognition for their music as mainstream (radio) bands but, still, they keep releasing knew albums just because its the music they love and more importantly, the music they want to make... then, there are bands like Nickle-Back. A group of what would seem to be troubled individuals/ followers responding to what the "radio media" wants them to play (in my opinion that would be one of the many definitions of the word "tool"). Developing what sounds like the same music they have made for years and years, involving simple chord progressions (usually A minor to C chords... somewhere around that area) and rough, semi aggressive, country/rock style vocals. Mostly acoustic guitar songs as well. These are people that dont deserve the kind of fame they are known for today. (Creed is also a somewhat similar example along with puddle of mud... shindown, 3 doors down... [im sure you can reel off quite a few more bands that sound the exact same almost]). But hopefully you get my point so far. Also, there is the style of Rap music. (by the way if you listen to people like nickle back or any of the other bands or rap groups im mentioning, dont be offended. If you like them thats your business.... and if thats the case you should exit this post). We have people like the Black Eyed Peas, lil wayne, justin timberlake, and.... well so on. Using nothing but the all of the pure, raw, crappy talent they could muster up, they then take their "music" and edit the shit out of it using whatever Studio computer system a mentally ill music corporation would present to them for free. Adding auto-tune, synth pad drums, and claps... more percussion, and so forth. Now, there is another style of music that i should not metion (as more people will get greatly offended)... Country.
The Drugged Adventurer 2 or The Upside of Being the Odd Man Out
In the last tale of my drugged trip to Houston, i may have ended it abruptly. Well, I've been thinking about the events that took place and decided I should detail the return trip as well. So without further adieu, part two.
"Fuckin shit" I said, swatting another mosquito off my meat hammer. "That was a big one"
At this point I had been walking for a few hours and I was just passing the San Jacinto Monument, or as a few of the ladies that were there at the time now think, The Chase Engman Monuement, you know what I'm sayin.
By the way, you'll will not believe the number of hobos out there man. I must have passed at least thirty. And every single one was beating off. Fourteen of them were circle jerking. I cannot describe the smell.
Anywho, things were starting to get all wavy and color changey, and I began to lose any semblence of sanity i had up to this point. I believe i began screaming "I will destroy your bunghole!" as i ran down the street, balls bouncing to the beat of an imaginary theme song.
Thank God for the cops.
"Morning sir," said one cop with a real thin, pervert style mustache. "What seems to be the problem?"
"BEES. BEES EVERYWHERE!"
"I don't see no bees," the other cop said. A real fatass that one.
"WELL FUCK YOU GOOD SIR!" I yelled, unable to control the volume of my voice.
"That was uncalled fo..." He stopped mid-sentence when i mounted the hood and began humping the windshield..
"Sir can you get off the hood," said Pedo-cop
"SHAKE FOR ME GIRL. I WANNA BE YOUR BACK DOOR I MAN!" I screamed, still humping the windshield. A crack began to form at my point of attack.
"Sir you're vandalizing our car. We're..."
I bolted for traffic, leaving the cops amazed at the events that had just transpired. As soon as I got to the edge of the street i jumped onto the back of the nearest truck.
"THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," I yelled, pointing toward home. The driver, understanding exactly what was meant by the gesture, sped up, and one hour later I was home. The drugs having worn off, I went into my home, put on some underwear, and began telling my story.
The End, you fuckers.
"Fuckin shit" I said, swatting another mosquito off my meat hammer. "That was a big one"
At this point I had been walking for a few hours and I was just passing the San Jacinto Monument, or as a few of the ladies that were there at the time now think, The Chase Engman Monuement, you know what I'm sayin.
By the way, you'll will not believe the number of hobos out there man. I must have passed at least thirty. And every single one was beating off. Fourteen of them were circle jerking. I cannot describe the smell.
Anywho, things were starting to get all wavy and color changey, and I began to lose any semblence of sanity i had up to this point. I believe i began screaming "I will destroy your bunghole!" as i ran down the street, balls bouncing to the beat of an imaginary theme song.
Thank God for the cops.
"Morning sir," said one cop with a real thin, pervert style mustache. "What seems to be the problem?"
"BEES. BEES EVERYWHERE!"
"I don't see no bees," the other cop said. A real fatass that one.
"WELL FUCK YOU GOOD SIR!" I yelled, unable to control the volume of my voice.
"That was uncalled fo..." He stopped mid-sentence when i mounted the hood and began humping the windshield..
"Sir can you get off the hood," said Pedo-cop
"SHAKE FOR ME GIRL. I WANNA BE YOUR BACK DOOR I MAN!" I screamed, still humping the windshield. A crack began to form at my point of attack.
"Sir you're vandalizing our car. We're..."
I bolted for traffic, leaving the cops amazed at the events that had just transpired. As soon as I got to the edge of the street i jumped onto the back of the nearest truck.
"THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," I yelled, pointing toward home. The driver, understanding exactly what was meant by the gesture, sped up, and one hour later I was home. The drugs having worn off, I went into my home, put on some underwear, and began telling my story.
The End, you fuckers.
Just Because on Movie Lines
Sometimes when I watch movies, I think about what I would have done differently. Other times, I applaud what they did right. And since I'm a pretentious asshole, I believe that all other people hang on my every word and live or die by my hand, I thought I would tell you what these things are.
First, what I would do different...
1."Take your stinking balls off me, you damn dirty hobo."-"Planet of the Apes"
Nobody likes hobo balls
2."All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my money shot."-"Sunset Boulevard"
Heh, porn jokes
3."It's hard! It's hard!-"Frankenstein"
In reference to the Monster no less
4."What we have here is...premature ejaculation."-"Cool Hand Luke"
How can they tell???
5."Kiss my hot nuts."-"M*A*S*H
My new favorite insult
6."It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the trannies."-"The Godfather"
I knew it!
7."Herpes will be with you, always."-"Star Wars"
Oh, yes it will. Yes. It. Will.
8."Dick fight!"-"Animal House"
Hell Yeah!
9. "I love the smell of boo boo in the morning."-Apocolypse Now
...no comment...
10."Wax on, whacks off."-"The Karate Kid"
Gotta love wordplay
Now for the right. (remember these are completely unchanged)
1."Excuse me while I whip this out." --- "Ahhh!"-"Blazing Saddles"
If I had a nickel for everytime I had to say that...
2."What knockers!"-"Young Frankenstein"
I'm jealous
3."IT'S IN THE HOLE."-"Caddyshack"
It always is
4."Terminate with extreme prejudice"-"Apocalypse Now"
Translation: Kill the shit out of everything.
5."He slimed me."-"Ghostbusters"
Ewwwwwwwwwww
6."Using the whole fist, Doc?-"Fletch"
Jesus Christ
7."Sayyy, nice beaver!"-"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!"
I know this girl
8."If you gotta go, go with a smile."-"Batman"
If he's talking about going #2, I always smile
9."Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."-"Annie Hall"
Lance's motto
10."I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."-"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
Perfection at its most perfect
First, what I would do different...
1."Take your stinking balls off me, you damn dirty hobo."-"Planet of the Apes"
Nobody likes hobo balls
2."All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my money shot."-"Sunset Boulevard"
Heh, porn jokes
3."It's hard! It's hard!-"Frankenstein"
In reference to the Monster no less
4."What we have here is...premature ejaculation."-"Cool Hand Luke"
How can they tell???
5."Kiss my hot nuts."-"M*A*S*H
My new favorite insult
6."It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the trannies."-"The Godfather"
I knew it!
7."Herpes will be with you, always."-"Star Wars"
Oh, yes it will. Yes. It. Will.
8."Dick fight!"-"Animal House"
Hell Yeah!
9. "I love the smell of boo boo in the morning."-Apocolypse Now
...no comment...
10."Wax on, whacks off."-"The Karate Kid"
Gotta love wordplay
Now for the right. (remember these are completely unchanged)
1."Excuse me while I whip this out." --- "Ahhh!"-"Blazing Saddles"
If I had a nickel for everytime I had to say that...
2."What knockers!"-"Young Frankenstein"
I'm jealous
3."IT'S IN THE HOLE."-"Caddyshack"
It always is
4."Terminate with extreme prejudice"-"Apocalypse Now"
Translation: Kill the shit out of everything.
5."He slimed me."-"Ghostbusters"
Ewwwwwwwwwww
6."Using the whole fist, Doc?-"Fletch"
Jesus Christ
7."Sayyy, nice beaver!"-"The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!"
I know this girl
8."If you gotta go, go with a smile."-"Batman"
If he's talking about going #2, I always smile
9."Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."-"Annie Hall"
Lance's motto
10."I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."-"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
Perfection at its most perfect
Ode to the creative porn storyline/title writer...
This is Vulgar... sorry.
Writtin by, Squirt Reynolds
Short Post...no pun intended
whose job it is to grab our attention with a catchy and flashy titles.
they suck you in... with magically puntastic and equally creative wordplay. they tantalize our brains with such works as: Schindler's Fist, Throbbin' Hood, and the ever popular Pulp Friction
And, to the classic porno plotline writer. who can make even the most bland and boring day to day actitities into a crazy boneathon.
In long, you make america great, and i take off my hat to you.
Saturday, February 20
Top 10 Arguments for Growing a Beard
Like this, but with more beard hair
9.You look like Zach Galifianakis.
All praise be to Zach
8.Bears love you.
Most bears
7.Allowed to kick people.
Thank you Leonidus
6. You're allowed to carry a club
Actual size: 9 ft
5. You learn any instrument you want.
Why flute? Why not flute?
4.You can start a ZZ Top cover band
Naming guid: Letter, Same letter, Direction
3. You finally understand that Action Hank.
It's not the beard on the outside that counts, it's the beard on the inside
2.You get all the women
There was a mixup with the picture guy
1. You become all that is man.
Friday, February 19
The World Has Turned and Left Me Here
Due to certain measures in the busiest of lives I call my own, I must be concise and to the point the in the present information I am relaying to the courageous people of this most noble gathering of the self obsessed, pretentious, literary peoples of this site. I have not been the happiest of people as of late. I have found myself in a world of ignorant people who find that the most important thing in live is the writing down and the finding of the endless sums, products, and differences, of numerous and never ceasing math equations, while I find that there are far more productive things I could be doing with the time I feel that I am wasting here. What do I mean by productive you ask? Productive in the sense of acquiring happiness, being productive in the sense of me using my own mind and gifts that I have found myself with in the ways that I choose, and not being forced to do things that are not only against my interests, but things I find to be a modern form of torture to the intellectually gifted teenager who's dreams have never had to be divided by the square root of 2. There for I tell ye with a heavy heart, and a proud tone in my voice, "I left my math at home!" -- Or at least that is what I told my math teacher.
The Drugged Adventurer 1 or How I Learned the Spanish Word for Dildo
This is a story about my first bilingual expierence, sort of.
Now I know what you're thinking. I did not have a sexy conversation with both a male and female at the same time.
I don't even know what constitutes a sexy conversation. I mean, i know to most people that it would be talking about sex with people. But to an English major, it could be using alot of big words to talk about sex, which ruins the expierence.
And it didnt help that they weren't really in to it, or knew who i was...
This is really the story of how i learned dildo in Spanish.
Now I speak English, usually (I do have bouts where I speak in tongues, but that doesnt happen enough to really count), so you can see the problem when I woke up
in what i thought was the middle of math class to find myself in a little Mexican village in the desert. I immediatly thought to myself,
"Shit, she got me back,"
(side note, at this time me and my math teacher had been pranking each other back and forth for about two years, and I had been on top when I had switched her underwear drawer with a snake drawer.)
Thinking quickly, I used all the Spanish I could remember through my two years of being present while someone taught Spanish to the other people in my class and tried to communicate. "Si, Si, me llamo, donde" which I believe means "Help Help I've fallen and i can't get up."
All of a sudden,someone hit me with a sidewalk. Reeling in pain from my sudden lack of chin, I looked for my attacker. Apparently I had actually fallen and I actually couldnt get up, because as it turns out I had fallen on the sidewalk, which thinking back makes more sense then it being thrown at me.
"Fuck she drugged me too, she's getting it big next week."
Finding my composure, I walked to the first man I saw and asked him in English,
"Sir, where is this place we are?"
"I'm a woman you ass hole"
"Shit," I thought aloud "Women don't know words."
"Fuck you man"
Ignoring her sound barrage, I made my way to a respectable looking yuoung man nearby.
"Where is here?"
"What?
"Where am I," I said, remembering how sentences worked.
"Houston, holmes"
"Wow, she drugged me good" Mind racing at the sight of buildings materializing out of the mountains that weren't there.
"Who?"
"Yma Athma Eacherta, oodga irsa"
They understand pig latin right? Anyway, he gave me a crazy look and backed off slowly.
Now I knew where I was, and I knew how to get home from here. So the next logical step was, of course,to strip naked and begin walking homeward. Getting naked opens up the foot traffic, and I might have gotten laid.
Rubing against a woman while your naked counts right? Yeah, I'll count it.
And now I'm home, able to write my story for all my friends to read.
Now, I know you may have questions, and I don't care, so we're ignoring them.
As to how I learned dildo in spanish, its called fucking google translators you dipshits. God Damn man.
Now I know what you're thinking. I did not have a sexy conversation with both a male and female at the same time.
I don't even know what constitutes a sexy conversation. I mean, i know to most people that it would be talking about sex with people. But to an English major, it could be using alot of big words to talk about sex, which ruins the expierence.
And it didnt help that they weren't really in to it, or knew who i was...
This is really the story of how i learned dildo in Spanish.
Now I speak English, usually (I do have bouts where I speak in tongues, but that doesnt happen enough to really count), so you can see the problem when I woke up
in what i thought was the middle of math class to find myself in a little Mexican village in the desert. I immediatly thought to myself,
"Shit, she got me back,"
(side note, at this time me and my math teacher had been pranking each other back and forth for about two years, and I had been on top when I had switched her underwear drawer with a snake drawer.)
Thinking quickly, I used all the Spanish I could remember through my two years of being present while someone taught Spanish to the other people in my class and tried to communicate. "Si, Si, me llamo, donde" which I believe means "Help Help I've fallen and i can't get up."
All of a sudden,someone hit me with a sidewalk. Reeling in pain from my sudden lack of chin, I looked for my attacker. Apparently I had actually fallen and I actually couldnt get up, because as it turns out I had fallen on the sidewalk, which thinking back makes more sense then it being thrown at me.
"Fuck she drugged me too, she's getting it big next week."
Finding my composure, I walked to the first man I saw and asked him in English,
"Sir, where is this place we are?"
"I'm a woman you ass hole"
"Shit," I thought aloud "Women don't know words."
"Fuck you man"
Ignoring her sound barrage, I made my way to a respectable looking yuoung man nearby.
"Where is here?"
"What?
"Where am I," I said, remembering how sentences worked.
"Houston, holmes"
"Wow, she drugged me good" Mind racing at the sight of buildings materializing out of the mountains that weren't there.
"Who?"
"Yma Athma Eacherta, oodga irsa"
They understand pig latin right? Anyway, he gave me a crazy look and backed off slowly.
Now I knew where I was, and I knew how to get home from here. So the next logical step was, of course,to strip naked and begin walking homeward. Getting naked opens up the foot traffic, and I might have gotten laid.
Rubing against a woman while your naked counts right? Yeah, I'll count it.
And now I'm home, able to write my story for all my friends to read.
Now, I know you may have questions, and I don't care, so we're ignoring them.
As to how I learned dildo in spanish, its called fucking google translators you dipshits. God Damn man.
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